I remember when I got to this side of 200 pounds I felt so good. Every time I’d catch a glance of my reflection it would take me a second to realize it was me, and I’d feel a sense of pride as I’d realize it was the new me. Pictures were the same. When I’d see a photo of myself, I would stare at it and happily realize how much I had changed.
I remember feeling excited when my collar bones started showing. I remember happily saying goodbye to my double chin. I remember being ecstatic when I could ditch the “plus size” section at Target and start shopping with the normal people. I remember feeling great when I had to donate all of my clothes and start over because none of them fit any more.
It used to really hit me when I was at the gym. I’d be in a Zumba class or a step class, surrounded by all those mirrors, and I’d catch my reflection and be shocked that I didn’t look like one of the contestants on the Biggest Loser any more. I felt like I looked like a healthy, active person. It felt amazing.
But tonight I noticed the strangest thing. I was at the gym again … looking at my reflection through those same mirrors again … But tonight my reflection looked completely different to me. Tonight, all I could see were my enormous thighs and giant rear end. I couldn’t stop focusing on the “spare tire” I could see bulging up around the top of my shorts. I kept staring at the loose skin hanging down under my arms. My bat wings.
Even though I was hustling through the workout — doing things with my muscles and my body I was never able to do 50 or 60 pounds ago — I kept looking at myself and picking apart every one of my flaws. All I could see was the 30-40 pounds I still need to lose.
How did this happen?? I’m the same weight (actually a little less) as I was when I was feeling so great about myself, so how did my perception change so much?
If I was the really wise person I wish I were, I’d be wrapping up this blog post with the answer to my question. I’d throw in some awesome inspirational quote and tell you how I had an epiphany and I’ll no longer feed myself all this negative talk.
But the truth is…. I really don’t know the answer.
I don’t understand how intellectually I can know and understand that I look exactly the same as I did then, but I can see something totally different in the mirror. It makes no sense, and I know it.
Maybe one of you wise readers can enlighten me. In the mean time, I’m going to think about it myself and I’ll let you know if I come to any brilliant conclusions.
Don’t hold your breath! 🙂