Same Reflection, Different Perception

I remember when I got to this side of 200 pounds I felt so good.  Every time I’d catch a glance of my reflection it would take me a second to realize it was me, and I’d feel  a sense of pride as I’d realize it was the new me.  Pictures were the same.  When I’d see a photo of myself, I would stare at it and happily realize how much I had changed.

I remember feeling excited when my collar bones started showing.  I remember happily saying goodbye to my double chin. I remember being ecstatic when I could ditch the “plus size” section at Target and start shopping with the normal people. I remember feeling great when I had to donate all of my clothes and start over because none of them fit any more.

It used to really hit me when I was at the gym.  I’d be in a Zumba class or a step class, surrounded by all those mirrors, and I’d catch my reflection and be shocked that I didn’t look like one of the contestants on the Biggest Loser any more.  I felt like I looked like a healthy, active person.  It felt amazing.

But tonight I noticed the strangest thing. I was at the gym again … looking at my reflection through those same mirrors again …  But tonight my reflection looked completely different to me.  Tonight, all I could see were my enormous thighs and giant rear end.  I couldn’t stop focusing on the “spare tire” I could see bulging up around the top of my shorts.  I kept staring at the loose skin hanging down under my arms.  My bat wings.

Even though I was hustling through the workout — doing things with my muscles and my body I was never able to do 50 or 60 pounds ago — I kept looking at myself and picking apart every one of my flaws.  All I could see was the 30-40 pounds I still need to lose.

How did this happen??  I’m the same weight (actually a little less) as I was when I was feeling so great about myself, so how did my perception change so much?

If I was the really wise person I wish I were, I’d be wrapping up this blog post with the answer to my question.  I’d throw in some awesome inspirational quote and tell you how I had an epiphany and I’ll no longer feed myself all this negative talk.

But the truth is…. I really don’t know the answer.
I don’t understand how intellectually I can know and understand that I look exactly the same as I did then, but I can see something totally different in the mirror.  It makes no sense, and I know it.

Maybe one of you wise readers can enlighten me.  In the mean time, I’m going to think about it myself and I’ll let you know if I come to any brilliant conclusions.

Don’t hold your breath! 🙂


4 thoughts on “Same Reflection, Different Perception

  1. I totally understand! I can look in the mirror in the morning and think, “I look great today!” Then I weigh myself and see that the scale has gone up or not moved at all. When I look in the mirror the next time, I see a completely different (fat) person. It’s ridiculous and I’m trying to break the nasty self-talk. Good luck to you and congrats on your incredible achievement to date.

    • Thank you so much for the congrats…. and for letting me know I’m not alone! I don’t understand why we do this negative talk to ourselves, but I’m working on it too. We wouldn’t let anyone else talk that way about themselves, right!?

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